>> We have known for more than 70 years that there are effective ways of parenting that do not involve yelling, coaxing, reminding and the more severe punishments of spanking or aggressively hurting children. In this video presentation on parenting, I return to my consultation with Joel whose family was featured in the Adlerian Family Therapy video. Because Joel is a functional parent, he does not need to have his family restructured, nor are drastic changes expected. I want to approach him as a functional parent with whom I can collaborate in the development of more effective interventions with his children. The problem with parenting is that we have our own goals and we want our family life to go in a certain way. Children read what want and arrange their interactions in a manner that will generate attention or power or help them get what they want. A child who wants attention does not actually care whether it's positive or negative attention; the first is preferable but negative attention getting is often more effective. As parents, we often telegraph what will get attention or what will get us into a power struggle when we talk rather than act, I wanted to help Joel in this video to learn to act rather than talk. His children are much more likely to respond to action than words; indeed, children who hear parents talking at them too much, too loud, too often become parent deaf. Sometimes children's behavior is more severe than the problems exhibited in this family; in those cases, behavior modification practices of reward and shaping often are recommended and needed. We see that when children are engaged in conduct disorders, oppositional defiance or some forms of excessive activity, behavior modification is especially important. All children, however, need to have parents who exhibit their care through what is called authoritative responsive parenting or democratic parenting, the two largest parenting programs in the United States are based on this model. They are called systematic training for effective parenting or STEP and active parenting; both use natural and logical consequences rather than punishment to redirect children; both use encouragement, active listening and emotion coaching to build self-esteem, confidence and courage. Of all the different models that are used to help parents win their children's cooperation, the most important ones focus on these interventions. Emotion coaching, developed by John Gottman and his associates at the University of Washington, seems to be one of the most important ways in which children come to be effective in their living both as adolescents and later as young adults. So, Joel, it was really lovely to get a chance to see the kids and to meet them. I would like to just use this time to see if we can create some options in your parenting that may make life better for you in some way or at least a little bit easier. I should probably tell you that when I was child, I was on the side of kids but I now have kids of my own and I'm on the side of parents so it's a pretty big switch, but nonetheless. So why don't we do something a little bit in reverse -- well, instead of talking about the individual children at this point, let's go back to the typical day and start at the beginning of the day, what would you like to see most going better? If there was something at that point in time that we could devise a plan for, what do you think would be of most help, is it getting them moving in the morning or what do you think? >> Yeah, I think for me, that's always a big thing is I'd like for them to get moving, for things to run on time. I've tried getting them up earlier and they will just stretch out the time. >> Okay. >> And, you know, we end up in exactly the same situation so I've kind of pushed it up, thinking more sleep is good but yeah, I'd like things to go better then. >> All right, so let's start with that, it's my sense as I'm watching that -- watching your children is that Seth really does an awful lot to try and be the good kid in this family and I think that with a -- some kind of clear sense of what's going to happen and where to go, he's going to eventually just fall in. Abby, on the other hand, kind of borders on power struggles sometimes and wants to do things in her own way so the easiest way to deal with both of those is to simply not get into a struggle with either of them to begin with. What would be another way they could wake up, other than the one that you apparently use? >> I don't know, I could get creative but I suppose -- I mean realistically I could go in there a little bit early, just turn the light on maybe and say good morning, that it's time to start waking up and then give them some time to wake up, I suppose I could do that. >> Okay. >> And then Seth is old enough that he's really able to do everything himself. >> Sure. >> I usually figure out what he ought to wear but he could even do that, need be. >> Right, now if he's really good at what he does and he would like to get either mom or dad's attention in the morning, one of the things he could do is figure out exactly what he should wear by having watched what you lay out for him and make sure he wears something else. >> Yeah. >> So, I mean that's a possibility, if you turn it over to him, he could decide to see how far that freedom is going to go, what would you do then? >> Well, occasionally he picks something different and I don't care, I let him wear it. >> So it would be all right. >> As long as it's -- as long he's covered. >> Okay, now just out of curiosity, you said you get up at 5:45, do you just automatically wake up or how do you get up? >> I automatically wake up when it gets light out, I just seem to be wired that way but during the part of the year where that's the dark time of year, I have my alarm set. >> Okay, so do you think there would be any value in the children having their own alarm clock? >> Yeah, we got an alarm clock for Seth. >> Yup. >> And... >> How did he defeat that? >> It's broken. >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Okay, so one way to get past the alarm clock problem for children is to make sure it doesn't work or something else, okay. >> He was intrigued with it but, you know, he just broke it. >> Okay, so one possibility is we could give him simply a choice, one choice says, okay, I'm going to come in in the morning and I'm going to turn the light and call you once, that's it; or we can get you an alarm clock, which one would you like, do you think he could handle that choice? >> Yeah, I think he could. >> Okay, so let's say in either case what it does is it essentially takes you out of the process of reminding them to get up. One of the things that happens when kids become really good forgetters is that they have parents around who are really good reminders so if we can just tell them, okay, it's up to you after that, you can wear whatever you're going to wear for school, you know how to get ready, you're a big boy now, it's time to let it run. Think he could do that? >> Yeah, I think so. >> Okay. >> I mean I can see it working most of the time, maybe not all the time. >> Okay, so let's say it -- there's some day it comes up and it doesn't work, what would be happening if it wasn't working, would he just be laying in bed, what would happen? >> Oh, I think he would go ahead and get out of bed; he would probably just not get himself ready. >> Okay. >> And the big boy tactic, you're a big boy and you can do these things for yourself just would not impress him and he would just basically want to run and play and... >> He'd be running and playing and not paying attention. >> Yeah. >> Okay, but you in fact do know what time you have to leave and you do in fact drive them wherever they're going, right? >> Yeah. >> So one thing that you could do is simply not say anything, let it go and at 5 minutes before it's time to go, figure out what he needs to have with him before he goes, put it in a bag and put that in the back of the car and then put Seth in the back of the car and let them finish whatever he has to finish on the way to school. The advantage of doing that, by the way, is that you would not be any -- do any of the following; you would not be reminding, coaxing, pushing, or any of those things that feed attention. And what you would be doing is saying I, you know, there are certain time schedules we have to run on, you've been watching us do it now for 6, 7 years and so when it's time to go, it's time to go and then they won't be doing it to see what will happen if dad gets upset, it's just time to go, you go. You don't actually -- you could drink coffee if you were into that because you would just be waiting for that for -- at least for Seth, to get ready. A similar kind of thing can happen with Abby, although there's certain things she still needs help with, I'll bet. >> Yeah. >> Like what? >> Well, she needs a little help getting dressed. >> Okay. >> So I might say to Abby at some point, would you like me to help you get dressed now or would you like to dress yourself. And we'd have to where she's at now I think most of this relies on you staying calm, which I think you are good at doing when you have a sense of what you want to do and giving a choice and then letting them have the consequence of that choice. So if she -- if you've offered her one chance to get dressed and she hasn't, where's the next place she can get dressed? >> Babysitters? >> Yeah or in the back of the car with Seth, I don't care. But the point is that you're not pushing, nagging, coaxing, reminding at that point, what you're having is a pleasant morning and we, parents, deserve at least that. >> Yeah. >> Okay, now if they forget something like you're off to school and he's forgotten to bring the backpack, what's the consequence of not bringing the backpack to school? >> I suspect it's not that severe, he would probably -- we might get a note from the teacher because his homework would be in it. >> Okay. >> His lunch might be in it so he might -- he has money though, he can buy a lunch. >> Okay. >> So the worst that happens is that somebody at the school says why didn't you bring the backpack? >> Pretty much. >> Yeah, now if [inaudible] the choice between the teacher saying that you saying that, far better for the teacher to do it because she'll have more influence on him doing that than you will. In fact, a number of years ago, the school called me about, you know, one of my daughters forgetting things and I said thank you for calling and I put her on the phone. It's between the school and her, she didn't forget after that. So what do you think about these ideas 'cause these are ideas that are more about deciding what we are going to do to allow consequences to take place, as opposed to continuing to kind of push, do you think you could do that? >> Yeah, I think that's helpful and I think it does seem very appealing to just, you know, the consequences are not so severe that the world's going to end, that way I don't get so upset. >> Right. >> I think... >> And they're still small enough that if you had to pick them up and put them in the car to go, you could do that 'cause you sometimes wind up doing that anyway with them. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, now does the same thing hold true if you offer to do homework in the afternoon and Seth just doesn't get into it, is it still possible for the school to handle that the next day? >> If he doesn't do his homework, he goes without it done. >> Yeah, you'd have to suffer the infamous feeling of the school thinking you're a bad parent. >> Yeah, I have a feeling that the teacher would send notes but I don't think they would kick him out of school. >> Okay, so if they did send a note home, who would be the best person to hear the note? >> From what you were saying, I guess Seth. >> That's right. >> Make it be his. >> Yeah, his note and I would probably ask him to even write a note back to the teacher about what his plan is. >> Yeah, one thing the school does is try and to make parents take responsibility, you know, at the beginning of the year, they had us sign something that we would sit down and do homework with them. >> Right. >> And they have us sign this thing every day acknowledging that we saw his homework. >> Yeah, I understand the message of the school. >> Yeah. >> But as I said earlier, I'm on the side of parents so there's only a certain distance I'm willing to go to -- I don't actually need to repeat first grade myself and I suspect you don't either. >> No, I think I got all that. >> Okay, so the principle is the same, we stay calm, we give choices once and then we let the consequence of either going with the choice or not going with the choice, just follow through as it naturally would. I'd be interested in hearing in a week or so how some of this might go, would that be all right? >> Yeah. Yeah, we'll give it a try. >> Okay, I'll look forward to hearing from you. Thank you very much. >> Thank you.