>> Virginia Satir referred to her model by a number of different names. Originally called Conjoint Family Therapy, toward the end of her life she chose the title of Human Validation Process Model. This latter title emphasized Satir's belief that all change starts with a validation of where people are and how they are functioning at a moment in time. Satir focused on the development of high self-esteem and on helping family members have nurturing contacts with each other. She accomplished this by staying present with families and by paying attention to the process that was occurring right in front of her. Jean McLendon is the Director of the Satir Institute at the Southeast located in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Just before Virginia died, she chose Jean to be the director of the training for her Avanta Network, an association of Satir trained therapists who are engaged in developing the model and carrying on Virginia's work. Dr. Vitter [phonetic] has called Jean, "The person who most exemplifies Virginia's presence." In this video, Jean works with Dr. Vitter's actual family. He is joined by his wife Lynn Williams and their two children, Alison age 15 and Nora age 9. We join the video in progress. Jean has been getting to know the family and now she is ready to hear what family members want with the time they have together. Notice in this work how Jean pays very close attention to the emotional life of the family and to the feelings that must be involved in their interaction. Her careful listening makes it possible for the rest of the family to listen compassionately also. >> Let's hear about what you would like to have happen and what you would like to have and what you would like. And let's see if it's all coming together in some way that we don't know of yet. What did you think about Lynn? What did you want to have happen here? >> I think that I would like to trust Nora, that things will work out. I think I worry more about her than with Alison. So maybe that's why she's kind of under a microscope a little bit more than Alison is. So I want to make sure that she's going to be okay. So I guess for me, I would like to learn to trust things more, trust the process more and I think if I can do that, that will relieve a lot of the tension and stress. And then Jim won't be worried about, "Am I doing this the way Lynn wants me to do it." And then that relieves a lot of the tension here. So I'm probably at the center of a lot of this. >> Because of your worries? >> Yes. >> Wow. What do you think they're worried about? >> Maybe about -- worried about maybe how things will turn out later in my life and what I'll be doing with it? And I think I'm just happy the way I am with a good family. >> You're happy the way you are and what? Did I miss something? >> Well I'm happy because I have a good family. >> So why in the world are they worried about your future? >> I don't really know. Maybe because I think maybe I stay on the computer with Webkinz a lot. >> That's not it. >> Why don't you ask him? >> Why are you worried so much about me? >> I worry about when you get frustrated easily and how you deal with that frustration and getting angry. And I worry that, that anger is going to cause you some difficulties with friendships and relationships later on. That's my big concern. I think dad and I both have the hope for both of you that you're very happy, that you have very happy lives in whatever you choose to do. And I worry about when you get frustrated and get angry. >> Well sometimes what I do is I just kind of go in my room and you know how I keep my little toy box there. I pick it up and then kind of just pretend that little me is there and then I go into my little spot and pretend that. And then when I'm in doing [inaudible] I would do, it kind of calms me down so then I just forget about it. >> So you have your own special way to deal with yourself when you're upset? >> I usually just go and find something fun and that would just relax me. >> Are you surprised that they're concerned about your anger and what you do with it? >> Maybe because I think I'm very sensitive of things and what people say to me. So I get mad very easily. >> Does that mean you get your feelings hurt easily? >> Well now since I'm moving to a new school and having to leave all my friends at the old school, there are more people teasing and what sometimes mom and dad say is, "If you want other people to be nice to you, how about you're nice to them?" So then they'll do it back to you. >> Sometimes it doesn't work though? So you get teased now and you get angry -- you get hurt and then get angry? >> Yeah. With my friend Sydney, we were only together for about 1 year and it was the first year we met was preschool. And we were teased a lot because we usually just -- we look a lot the same and sometimes we wear different things. So then they're like maybe from a different place because we go a lot of -- to a lot of countries and so usually when it's the first day of school, I'll wear it there so then it's different and they think, "Well that's weird." So then they'll start teasing about it. >> I see. So they sometimes don't appreciate that your experiences are different than theirs' and you've touched into different cultures and maybe you sometimes have different ideas than they do? That's not easy to be different. And I think it's wonderful. >> Sydney and I are odd because I do this with mom. I cross my eyes and I pretend I'm stuck so mom thinks I'm odd by doing that. And then also I can do this. So they think that's pretty odd, so Sydney and I are pretty odd. >> Well do you think there's any way your parents or your sister could help you deal with the hurt of being teased and sometimes looked at as you're different or somehow the hurt that goes along with that? Could they be more support to you? >> Well I don't usually go to Ally much for advice of "What would I do for the boys at my school? How would I make it where I don't get my feelings hurt so easily?" I usually go to mom and dad for it. And they will just ignore them and pretend they're not there. And... >> I'm listening to -- the reason I laughed now is I'm listening to you and I'm hearing how stupid that advice sounds. >> Well I think mom said just ignore them part. >> [Inaudible] probably good but I'm not sure that it helps. You know? What I wish I had said to you is that it's not fun being teased by boys or anybody else. And it is hard when you get your feelings hurt. And for the life of me I don't know -- I don't know where I lose the ability to talk caringly with you about sometimes when this stuff comes up and I wish I could get that back and get it back consistently. >> Sound pretty good to you? >> Yeah. >> Sounds good to me. I find myself wondering if that's not something that would be helpful to everybody in this family because there's so much coming and going it seems like and so many projects and whether it's that project you were talking about as you left out the house a few minutes ago. So I can imagine that anyone of you at a moment in time one day could feel you said stressed. It could be anxious. It could be overwhelmed. It could be sad or whatever. And maybe each of you could do with more compassionate listening and understanding because you're such busy, competent, out in the world people. It seems to me it would be easy that you would come in a little battered and bruised and worn out and stressed out and come home to this refuge but you're so worn out, you can't really enjoy it. And you don't have much left to give. So for me I think this conversation has been maybe quite helpful. >> It has. >> But I didn't get to hear all the way around what you all wanted to have happen with this conversation. >> Well in the [inaudible] I think Ally handles that better than I do because she's older and she's probably had it happen more than me. And I think she's just handles things a bit better than I do in teasing. >> Well she's got a few years on you but what is that like to have your younger sister admire you and see that you handle things much better than she? >> I never really thought about it like that she wouldn't admire me. I always just kind of thought she's my sister and I mean I always knew that she loved me and stuff but being admired is kind of awkward. Not in a bad way or anything. Just... >> It looks like you're both surprised and pleased. Is that... >> Flattered. >> Flattered. Even flattered, right? What did you hope could happen here? >> I don't know. >> Didn't come with anything bubbling about what you wanted? >> It goes where it goes. >> Okay. And how do you feel about where it has gone? >> I think it went somewhere good. >> Good. How are you feeling? >> I'm kind of with Ally. That going where... >> It's going wherever and you feel okay about where it went? >> Well so far it's been good. >> So far. Okay. And how about you Lynn? What do you think about your concern about how you worry about your youngest daughter? Do you... >> I think that you've been helpful in bringing up the compassionate listening. And I think I've been worried more about something more long term than missing what's happening in the here and now. So that gives me a handle on something that I can do now. >> Super. Great. And how about for you Tim? >> This has been terrifically helpful to me. I was just sitting listening to you mostly with your conversation with Nora and I was just -- am just absolutely -- I think it was wonderful to hear you Nora. >> It was. >> One of the nice things about this was that I wasn't responding to you. I got a chance to just sit and listen to you. >> Listen. >> And you're really bright and you're really smart and I'm very proud to have both you and Ally as my daughters. It means everything in the world to me. >> Well I appreciate you all letting me be with you in such a sweet and tender way. I feel for me I've grown in knowing you and appreciating you and loving you. >> Thank you. >> And I hope I'll see you in Chapel Hill and maybe you'll come to the university. I'll get to see lots of you. >> Thank you. >> You're welcome. Thank you all.